Yeah, you read that right. I stopped fantasies from taking over my head space.
To tackle this subject right, let’s start from the beginning. I first realised I was an avid daydreamer when I was about 9. That’s how far back I can remember anything in my life. Age nine. I first accepted Christ at that Age. I first started zoning out into my head, at that age.
I realised whatever I was engage in was called fantasizing and the specific kind of fantasy I preferred was the sexual kind. Okay well, at nine it didn’t start as sexual, cos I wasn’t sexually properly developed then… At nine it was just pleasurable ‘dreams’of a guy. ‘The guy of my dreams’. That was who he was. I would try to make out his face, when I became a young adult but I would fail at that, because he was a faceless, nameless, man that satisfied me in my dreams.
Okay Nigerians, and some religious people, No: he wasn’t my Spiritual Husband. That’s not what this is about, it’s not a confession of my secret marriage to a Spirit Husband.
Or is it.
Well. I wasn’t going anywhere in my dreams, or meeting anyone at night.
I just had a vivid imagination. That was my problem. I’ve always had this mind that is too… alive. And seeing as I was a little girl developing emotions, my Mind went and created for me the perfect experiences. It was so satisfying to go there in my head, that out here in the physical, I didn’t sweat it when I couldn’t get my crushes to notice me and such girl stuff. I would zone into my head and experience satisfaction. Sometimes for hours. Usually at bed time. And then, seldomly during the day, during road trips, during boring sermons in church or weddings. I’d just go to that ‘Happy Place’, where I’m in Love with the perfect, most loving and charming man in the World.
As I matured spiritually, I would catch myself during a fantasy and wonder if I was engaged in a mental activity that was pleasing to God. And then I would tell myself, “What harm was it causing? I never actually went through with the sexual part of the thoughts, or the kissing. I stopped those… Just right before they would happen, in my mind. So what’s the harm?” I would say, whereas actually it was Satan confusing me.
I told myself they weren’t sexual fantasies, God forbid, No. They were just Love visions: seeing for realities, Lol. I convinced myself I wasn’t a ‘bad girl’, that I was just creating my future- well, I was, because at a younger age my fantasies were mostly about distance relationships; a man I would love so much but we would be in separate countries. And then it happened; I was in a very similar relationship to the one in my fantasies, twice! After the relationship would be over, I would resume fantasizing and then I would catch myself and say, “Oops! This dream actually happened. It just happened! ”
That’s when I started evaluating this habit that took up a significant part of my night time. If I was having a hard time falling asleep, I would zone into fantasy, it was always so soothing. But I’ve already said that. What you really want to know is did I stop fantasizing?
Well, at first, I thought, how can I expect myself to stop something that is controlled by the nervous system, like breathing. I told myself all kinds of lie; I would say to myself, everyone does it, it’s a normal thing, what you should do is try to select the pictures… And so I tried to select the pictures. I stopped the ‘video’ before it got to sex or kissing; the sexual graphics, but, I didn’t stop the feeling that had built up till the moment of the actual “sin”. I couldn’t stop the disorientation it gave me spiritually, the distraction it was to the process of renewing my mind.
Do you know what allowing impurities like sexual fantasies does to your recreated mind? It infects it. Like a virus does. The Bible says, don’t let’s the parts (members) of your body Lord it over you… (1 Corinthians 9:27 paraphrased.)
Knowing I was ruining The Character of my Spirit couldn’t get me to stop fantasizing though. Because I was deep into that habit and there was no where it was spelled out in the Bible that dreaming of your future husband (the one you haven’t even met), or your wedding night and nights after the wedding, was a sin.
What got me to stop this habit was my Love for God. He simply asked me one day to chose. Him or my ‘dream’ life.
You may be wondering, hmm, did he appear to you and say it with His mouth? Well He didn’t have to. Knowing that it was a possibility He was asking me to chose scared the shit out of me and I just dropped the habit. I love Christ that much. The things I have given up for Him. The man from my dreams wasn’t going to be different.
Now, it’s not like automatically I no longer fantasize, the things I used to do I do them no more, No. These things take practice. I would start to fantasize, but then I’d remind myself of what’s more important to me, Christ Jesus, and I’d just let it pass. Just sleep or play Chess.
I wouldn’t compromise my Faith for anything. Not even for the most pleasant mental experience.