I was once very mad at God. I prayed to him, praised him, ministered to him but we were not in good terms- I wasn’t in good terms with him actually (’cause i’m too little to offend him, I’m just a child in his eyes, still growing up). For weeks I just said ‘whatever’ when it came to him. He let me down, he was still God and my life belongs to him but I was sad from what happened between us.
Here’s what happened between us……
I’m due for a next level in my life, I start to pray about this next level;the way I want it to be. I fast even, declaring words and letting God know my requests. I want His will but I don’t want some certain things to happen. I pray against some certain things, I let him pick for me, just not from a particular basket. Because that place is evil, I don’t want to go there, “Anywhere but there , Lord.” I pray, believe and get a note of victory.
The final hour comes and I’m taken exactly where I’ve been praying against. I get exactly what I don’t want. I’m surprised, its almost as though God didn’t even hear me.
I’m not entirely surprised though, i’m only disappointed. I thought we’ve gotten closer than, “my ways are not your ways, my thoughts not yours.” I thought we had a rapport.
I didn’t lose my faith or backslide but there’s this lump in my heart towards God. I think, “Just maybe he didn’t care after all, I did everything right; the way i’m supposed to to make Him do for me what I want, just one little thing I asked of Him!” God hurt me.
Maybe I was wrong after all.
I begin to loosen up the wrath I’ve felt towards God because I’m actually not in a bad place. I discover that I couldn’t have planned my life better. It came out like God failed me but down the line I’ve discovered that He didn’t fail me, I love where He put me! It’s actually where I desired to be. Silly me. I don’t even know what I want?
I wish I hadn’t given him specifications and saved myself of the charade of disappointment. I feel ashamed that I held a grudge against God cos He didn’t do what I asked Him to do for me whereas He actually did it but in a more extraordinary way I couldn’t have imagined.
I’m going to make a conscious effort to learn to trust in God. Trust God, Trust IN God; two different things?– I’m going to put all my trust in God and actually trust Him to take care of me. Believing that He’s more committed to my Success than I can ever be.
I’m not going to get mad at Him or stay mad at Him, He’s my friend and its supposed to be allowed to get mad at Him but not when I know what I know about Him. He’s too sweet and good to me.